done

I am slowly working to put many outdated beliefs to rest. There is so much guidance given out these days,  from friends, from books, and from the relentless newsfeed on Facebook. So much of it is good, kindhearted, well-intentioned. But a lot of it is either inapplicable to my own circumstances, or simply untrue.

There is a saying that I've been hearing around lately and I'm ready to let it go. I know it's not in line with my beliefs -- or that it's presenting a challenge to those beliefs, a chance to check in and possibly realign -- because even when I hear it casually, in conversation with a friend or in passing at the grocery store,  I bristle.

You are not in control.

What I can control: Who I spend time with

I know it's a phrase that can be interpreted in many ways -- each one taking a different meaning from it. I understand that it can mean, You need to let go. You need to relax, trust, take life in your stride, roll with the punches. Or perhaps, at times, it means, chill the fuck out, you anal Virgo you. Or, stop trying to control __________ (a person, a relationship, a situation you can't change, like the absence of world peace). And I see the value in releasing some of the pressure. In accepting the things you cannot change.

But I also sense an overabundance of letting go, like in order to live life as peacefully as possible, we can't accept that we are in charge of some things -- many things, in fact -- and that life as a functioning adult involves sifting through innumerable choices on a daily basis, and taking control of the things that are within our power. We do have the power to change -- how much depends mostly on our belief in ourselves and our support system, though often our circumstances seem insurmountable. But feeling powerless, thinking "I'm not in control," is only helpful if the letting go allows us to move forward. You really want world peace? Find a way, in your humble life, to do something that connects you with that goal. It's lofty and cliche but it can be as simple as raising a child to respect another's feelings (Ha. Like that's simple. But you know what I mean).

Who I love

Where I live

What I eat and drink

I don't think I'm being an anal, controlling perfectionist to insist that there are things in life that I do control. It is helpful to remember, at times, that there are things beyond my control. Of course. When my mom died, there was nothing I could do to change the reality of her physical death. But I do control how I honour her death, how I reflect on her time with us, and how I continue to grieve for the loss while remembering the lessons she offered.

And when I parent my daughter, I try to teach her that she is in control of some things. Not everything, of course, and certainly not much, yet. She's seven. But to start to learn self-control, she needs to see me model it, and she needs to believe that there are some things in her life she can choose. How to arrange her clothes, her stuffed animals, her books. How to wear her hair. And though it's still a steep learning curve, how to play in a group of girls at her new school, how to consider another's feelings, how to manage her own feelings without burying them. The emotional complexity of life in a world that often gives us as many options as we can imagine is overwhelming. Though the risk of becoming -- or turning our kids into -- the dreaded "control-freaks" we resented in our own childhood is perhaps always present, I think it's so crucial to give our kids a foundation of strength, of knowing their own strength, and of navigating the sense of control they will have over their lives.

The kind of house I want to build one day

What I can't control: The precarious state of our lakes and rivers (though I could probably help in some small way)

The cat, although...

Eowyn 's latest venture suggests she thinks there's hope

You can't control anything. You can't control another person. You can only control yourself. Variations on a theme. But if the message is not an empowering one -- What CAN I control? -- both children and adults alike are going to be sorely discouraged. Controlling and still respecting yourself is a big job, but it leads to a sense of belonging in the wider world, a self-reliance as well as an ability to relate to others and respect their needs and boundaries. If you have the ability to communicate your needs, to identify and achieve goals, I think you're more able to allow the same freedom for others.

We need a greater sense of connection and community these days, and the message that we have to give in  completely to someone or something else -- even on a spiritual level, as in, God is looking after us, or the Universe provides -- it doesn't translate for me into the kind of connection I want. One where individuals choose to come together to tackle shared concerns, work towards common goals and celebrate triumphs -- understanding that consciously joined effort and commitment can achieve a lot. The universe provides everything, in a way, "good" and "bad," and it's up to us to filter through it, with discernment, empathy and insight, and take what we need to grow and thrive.

The weather (they look pretty happy though!)

Spiritual guidance, "trust in a higher power," "wait and see" attitudes -- these have their place, just as we all do, bringing our beliefs into the light to be shared with others and then working out the kinks. It's a whole life's work, and it's never-ending. I see the wisdom in learning to bend, to trust, to loosen the reins. It encourages a softness, a flowing state that can be an amazing tonic in our world so full of structure, rigidity and speed. We can slow down. We can be patient. We can do nothing (for a little while). But Spirit is only working through us in so far as we have guiding principles of our own, and a unique set of hopes and aspirations that keep us both rooted to the daily practices of our lives, and looking forward to what we have yet to become.

These days I feel drawn to the kind of guidance that says, Get in the driver's seat. Steer your life, with the help of whatever tools you choose (goal-setting, meditation, further education, communion with friends), in the direction you are drawn towards. Don't lose touch with the power that exists in pausing, resting, and reflecting, and ask for guidance when you need it. I like the sense, in my life, that surprises await me, and that I'm not entirely sure how things are going to work out. Wonderful things await around the next corner. For me, it's about achieving that balance between controlling too much, and giving up completely, and I'm certainly still working on it.

Do believe you are in control of your life? How do you make sense of this? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Also, read this post by a writer whose insights I find helpful:

http://onewithnow.com/allowing-life-to-unfold/

Also, on kids and emotional expression:

http://www.brainchildmag.com/2013/10/how-to-help-children-express-their-emotions-two-different-perspectives/