the big wave

The Great Wave over Kanagawa, by Hokusai; taken from signatureillustration.com

overwhelm (v.)

Early 14c., "to turn upside down, to overthrow," from over- + Middle English whelmen "to turn upside down" (see whelm). Meaning "to submerge completely" is mid-15c. Perhaps the connecting notion is a boat, etc., washed over, and overset, by a big wave. Figurative sense of "to bring to ruin" is attested from 1520s. 

(etymonline.com)

gosh, maybe this blog is going to be the record of my ship, slowly sinking after that big wave hit. i recognize in me a loss of boundaries around how much to share here, and today, exhaustion and anxiety and that feeling, yes, of being completely submerged, have taken over and i don't care about boundaries. or capital letters.

i care about healing. i'd love to feel better. i'd love to be done with anger, to know just what i want to do with my life, now, to feel free and ready to let go. most of all, i'd love to experience the sense of detachment that could (should?) come from being so badly hurt, shocked and betrayed, that your psyche just decides it can't care anymore. but i do care.

i don't want someone's hurtful actions to define my life, but i'd be lying if i said that they aren't a big part of it right now.

i have so much work to do. i'm not sure if i'm up for it. but the words of Thomas Moore have been hugely helpful through these dark days (because the days are worst of all; nights are okay. last night i even dreamed that i was late for my sister-in-law's wedding, which i attended wearing high heeled jelly shoes. yeah, remember those?)

anyway, here's what Thom has to say this morning:

"Becoming a person or a nation with character doesn't happen without self-confrontation. It asks for strength exactly in those areas where you feel weak. It demands vision in those areas where we think we have everything figured out. It asks us to give up old pieties and sentimentalities and face the new challenges with tough vision. It demands that we live into life from where we are now, not from the comfortable place we achieved long ago. It asks for the surrender of the identity we won and now enjoy. It requires an emptiness of heart so that new life may enter."

OK, Thom. Here's my empty heart.